Everyone wants to impress. Alas, some people choose to impress in true Guido style, with volume and obnoxiousness and a wit that most other adults left behind in junior high. Typically attired in a dizzyingly bright array of too-tight pink, tribal tattoos and glittery jewelry, one particularly egregious species of partygoer — homo douchebagicus — often leaves an “impression” on waitresses and bartenders alike. If you one day dream to be on your own MTV reality program, do not despair: Your friendly hosts at Vice Lounge Online are prepared to give you tips to help the bartender slot you into your coveted “douchebag” rating.
- Crack witty jokes, like “shaken, not stirred.” Bartenders love this, and they hear it so infrequently that they will likely show their appreciation with a long pour.
- While you’re at it, ask for the long pour. Let him know you’re paying for it, so he shouldn’t be stingy.
- Down a shot of Johnnie Walker Red then brag loudly about having tasted the “good shit.”
- Fondle your waitress. This makes her feel pretty.
- When you class it up with a Scotch order, make sure you order something nice like The Balvenie (“BAAL-veen”) or Laphroig (“LAFF-rog”) or Auchentoshan (“AUCK-ten-o-stan”). If a hot chick is listening, make a joke about whether the Muslims “brewed” the AUCK-ten-o-stan then laugh loudly at your own humor.
- Ask the bartender what his favorite drink is. When he tells you, let him know it’s a pussy drink and then demand another pitcher of PBR. This helps establish your hipster roots if you lack the “tell” of ironic facial hair.
- Tip a dollar a round. Let him know there are more tips if he “hooks you up.”
- Stake out your spot at the bar and aggressively defend your turf. Chicks dig alpha males, even when their collars are popped.
- When you need more alcohol, demand immediate service. Complain loudly when it takes more than 60 seconds to get attention.
- Throw peanuts or citrus slices at your “brahs” to lighten the moment. Don’t worry; the gay waiter you’ve been mocking will pick it up.
Beloved readers — do you have any additional tips?